And now for something completely different ..

[Dave M]

Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She mentioned neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a whole list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, asking Jacqueline to stand, he unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Mark and said, "this is what your wife needs at least three times a week.  Can you do this?"

Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I rehearse with the band."

[rogerg]

heh

[Pedro]

:lol:

[mark_kennedy]

Witnesses at the scene of Ronaldo's car crash say he was only lightly tapped by a car from behind when all of the sudden the car flipped over and rolled ten times. It then span around on the spot for two minutes, then all the wheels fell off and it caught fire.

 

[Gandalf1986]

That is a good one!

[Pedro]

Sadly, John Mortimer (former QC and author of the Rumpole of the Bailey courtroom drama stories has just died.

I heard an old interview with him on the radio on the way home in which he told this story about an indecency case.

A woman witness was giving evidence and was asked what the man in the dock had said to her.
She was too embarrassed to repeat it in court, so the judge asked her to write it down.
The judge looked at it and read that the accused had said to her; "would you care for a screw?"
The judge instructed the jury to read it and it was passed from one to another until it reached juror No 12, an elderly gentleman who was fast asleep.
Sitting next to him was a pretty young lady. She read the note, nudged her neighbour and, when he was awake, handed it to him.
He woke with a start, read it and, with apparent satisfaction, folded it and put it carefully away in his wallet.
When the judge said: "Let that note be handed up to me", the juryman shook his head and said: "No need, it's purely a private matter, My Lord."

 

[Nellie]

Why men should write advice columns...
Dear Terry, I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

 

 

 

 Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Terry

[Mouse]

Written on Spike Milligan's headstone: "I told you I was ill."
 :lol:

[Nellie]

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!!!!


LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS!!!


THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.


THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

[rogerg]

heh